Midweek Confessions

It's that time again!



It's been a while since I've done Midweek Confessions and I miss it!

*I bake when I'm bored, or when I'm upset, or when I'm happy...okay, I bake all the time! I made these babies on Monday and brought them to work and was told I was Satan...twice! That means they were really good!


*I get to go school supply shopping this weekend! I love school supplies. The smell of new crayons, the crisp, fresh notebooks, the smooth, bright yellow pencils. I may or may not begrudge the fact that I don't get to use said supplies and Riley gets them instead.



*When my ex-husband and I first separated and the chances of our marriage making it were dismal I began to dread the thought of dating. Small talk, bad personalities, baggage...ick. However, a few weeks ago I realized that I'm not hung-up on my ex-husband anymore (that happened when I wasn't looking). I also realized that I missed testosterone in my life. I just wanted to talk about football and video games for a little while! So, I put myself out there and went on some dates! You know what I realized? I'm kind of awesome. I'm smart and funny, I'm not bad to look at, and I'm (surprisingly) good at small talk and first dates...who knew? Dating is fun!



*I got an email this morning that made me really really happy. Did I win a sweepstakes? No. Did I hear from an old friend? No. Did I get a promotion? No. The email I got was an invite for my Fantasy Football league! I was so excited! This means that it's almost football season!!! I will leave you with my Fantasy Sports profile. If you look on the right-hand side you will see a trophy. "What's that trophy for?" you may ask...League Champ...I heart Fantasy Football!

Living

So, once again I've been on a bit of a blogging hiatus. But, here I am. I have people ask me all the time "How are you?" Granted, this is a pretty common question in general, but I feel that, in my case, it's often a loaded question. People know what I've been through. They know what I've been dealing with for the past 10 months (has it really been that long?!). Most of the time my answer is "Good! :)" because when I'm around people that is generally how I am doing. But lately I feel like I am just surviving. I'm getting through life, but I'm not really living it.

I know why. I'm not living life because I don't want to face life. I've had some major decisions hanging over my head...decisions that I have to make very soon, decisions that I don't want to make. I have some things that I have to sort out, things I have to figure out how to do on my own. I've started dating a little so I've had to figure out how that works. It's hard!

I had a life that I was comfortable in. A life that I knew how to live. I knew what I was doing. I knew where I was going. It was, for the most part, under control...or so I thought. But, looking back I realize that I was just surviving in that life too. It was familiar so it wasn't scary like this stage is, but it still wasn't living.

At church on Sunday the sermon was on "The Good Life." It was about what is a good life...basically it's a life surrendered to God. Doing what He wants you to do rather than just what you want. It was a timely message and one that I needed to hear.

I turn 30 next week and I want to be able to put the past behind me and start a new decade of living!

Dear Monday

Today I'm linking up with The Happy Day Blog for Dear Monday.

Dear Monday,
It was a bit of a rocky weekend, please be nice today.

Dear Father's Day,
You were unexpectedly a really hard day. Next time can a girl get a little warning?

Dear Heart,
He doesn't love you, he loves someone else. Please stop freaking out every time you are reminded of this fact. Let it go. It's going to be okay.

Dear Gym,
It's been awhile, but tonight we will meet again.

Dear Dojo,
I'm going to cheat on you with the gym.

Dear Friends,
I love you all and don't know what I would do without you :)

Dear Me,
You're pretty awesome. I know things are hard right now, but it is going to get better. Life is going to be beautiful, you'll see. Just hang in there.

Your turn. Go ahead, tell Monday what you think of it.

Why?

Why? That word has been my nemesis lately.

Being a parent, I hear the word why? a lot. At first it was "Why is that bird sitting on that tree branch?" "Why do we have a red car?" "Why did this booger come out of my nose?" These why's were cute but hard to answer and I hoped that it was only a phase.

These days the why's are filled with the attitude of a mini-teenager and I shudder to think that he is only 8 years old. "Riley, go get in the car." "Why?" "Riley, turn off the tv." "Why?" "No, Riley, you can not go play at your friend's house." "Why?" There it is after every direction, after every answer to a request...why? I find myself using the answer that I never thought I would: "Because I said so." I really don't like that answer, but I also don't feel the need to explain myself to my 8-year-old son at every turn.

Sometimes the why's lose their attitude and I'm left looking at a broken-hearted, little boy with the same questions that I have. "Why did you and Daddy get divorced?" "Why did Daddy move to Florida before we did?" "Why are we not a family anymore?" I have no answers. I muddle through the best I can and I hope that I'm not screwing him up too badly, but there's no explanation that is sufficient. Why? Because I have the same questions.

I find myself going to my heavenly Father with all of my why's "Why did my marriage have to end?" "Why did it have to end the way it did?" "Why did he find someone to take my place?" "Why can't I stop loving him?" "Why can't I be in Florida right now?" "Why does it hurt so much?" I don't have the answers...but I do. Proverbs 3:5-6; Isaiah 40:31; James 1:2-5; 2 Corinthians 12:9; 2 Corinthians 5:17; Jeremiah 29:11....I could go on and on. I may not know the exact reasons. I may not know what the plan looks like. I may not know how the story ends...heck, I don't even know how the next chapter begins. I don't need to know. I know that God loves me with an unfailing love and that He works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I know that I can endure it all "because He said so."

I have no doubt that my days of hearing (and asking) why are far from over. In fact, I'm sure they are only going to get tougher "Why does the Pythagorean Theorem work every time?" "Why does E=MC^2?" "Why does God allow bad things to happen?" I know that I won't always have the answers, but hopefully I can raise a son that knows who to turn to when life doesn't make sense and you just want to ask "Why?"

Breaking the Silence

My blog has been oddly silent lately. I haven't really known what to say. I haven't blogged since Terry left. I think that maybe I have too much going on inside and even though I know I need to get it out I just don't know how. I think it's time to break the silence as ugly as it may be.

The first couple of days after he was gone I picked a fight with him. That's what I did when I missed him. I didn't realize it at the time, but picking a fight made him mad. It made him fight with me. It made me have his undivided attention. It made me feel awful, but it fed my soul. It made me miss him less. I'm not saying that all of our fights were my fault, or that I started them all, but there were definitely times that I did. Anyway, I picked a fight, but he didn't play. There was a fight, but it was short. He didn't respond when I tried to talk to him. He was gone. In his new life. A life that I had hoped to live with him. Without me. A life with a lover and a cat in a house with palm trees in the yard and an ocean a short drive away.

We haven't talked much since then. I'm told this is a good thing. Sometimes I tell myself this too. That the distance allows me to heal. Some days I believe it. Sometimes it seems like I'm doing better. Like I can think clearer and breathe more freely than I have in months. But sometimes it hurts so much I can't breathe at all. When I think about it I feel like I'm suffocating. I ache for him. For our marriage. For our family. My arms long to hold him. My heart breaks for him and all that's been lost.

I try to move on. I don't know how. I try to accept it all. I don't know how. Sometimes I try to think mean things to get over it...if you know me at all you know this is a short-lived and futile attempt. I always find the silver lining. I always find the good in people. And I can't help but be nice. No matter how much I want to hate I just can't. It makes me so mad, but I'm thankful that God gave me that quality, I don't know that I could get through this without it.

I'm going to be okay. Reading back over this post I realize that may seem questionable, but I will be. I have amazing people around me that love me and that I love to spend time with. When I'm with them the burden on my heart and my mind is lifted, if only for a little while. I have an incredible, little boy that deserves to have a mother that is a complete person, not a shell of who she once was or could have been. I have a God that is bigger than all of this mess. A God who loves me and has a plan for me. A God who knows where I'm going even when I don't. A God who may look back and treasure this time in my life because it was a time when He got to hold me close and carry me through the storm.

I had no idea where I was going when I started this post. I'm glad I ended up where I did. When none of this makes sense and I hurt and I want nothing more than to be angry or numb I always seem to find my way back to Him. That's where my healing is. That's where my very life is. I can't live it without Him.

This video is one that impacted me a long time ago. It's been brought back to me several times through this journey and it's poignant every time. Watch it. You might just love it.


Thanks for letting me pour out my heart.

Midweek Confessions

I was going about my day and stopped to check my blogger newsfeed when I suddenly realized that it is WEDNESDAY, Midweek Confessions Day!! Wednesday is rapidly becoming my favorite day of the week! You should hop on over to e, myself, and i and read more awesome midweek confession or write your own and link up!



*I introduced myself as "Ali Bell" (my maiden name that I am returning to) last weekend for the first time in many years. It was kind of awkward and will definitely take some getting used to, but I like it.

*Terry is moving to Florida this weekend and I can't get a handle on my emotions about it. At any given moment I feel sad that he is leaving, angry that he is leaving without me and with someone else, frustrated that I'm still stuck here for a time when I really want to move and start over, relieved that we will have some physical distance which, I hope, will help in the healing process, worried about how this is all affecting Riley and how I will handle having Terry 800 miles away...the list goes on and on.

*I have to work on Memorial Day (ick), but I'm actually looking forward to having a (mostly) empty building for a whole day. I get to sort through a zillion summer camp materials (t-shirts, water bottles, wristbands, backpacks, forms, etc.) and organize them for all of our sites. However, I find that kind of work therapeutic and am not dreading it.

*I'm a little obsessed with fountain drinks. Whether it's a Polar Pop or a giant McDonalds cup if it's styrofoam, big, and filled with ice cold liquid I am a happy girl.

*I made a cake on Monday. Riley has been at Terry's all week so I have been the only one home. There's a ton of cake left and I'm sure I will have to throw it out before too long. I would share it, but it doesn't travel well. I think my confession is just that I made an entire cake knowing that I would be the only one eating it, lol.

Well, I guess that's it for today.

<3,

Hmmmm....

I started a blog that was a complete jumble of thoughts and emotions that I just needed to get out of my head. I somehow managed to delete the whole thing on accident. I was going to write it again, but I feel better now. But, if you want to read a blog you should head over to Lobey's World and view some great fashion tips from the awesome Lauren Sarno.

Have a great day!