My blog has been oddly silent lately. I haven't really known what to say. I haven't blogged since Terry left. I think that maybe I have too much going on inside and even though I know I need to get it out I just don't know how. I think it's time to break the silence as ugly as it may be.
The first couple of days after he was gone I picked a fight with him. That's what I did when I missed him. I didn't realize it at the time, but picking a fight made him mad. It made him fight with me. It made me have his undivided attention. It made me feel awful, but it fed my soul. It made me miss him less. I'm not saying that all of our fights were my fault, or that I started them all, but there were definitely times that I did. Anyway, I picked a fight, but he didn't play. There was a fight, but it was short. He didn't respond when I tried to talk to him. He was gone. In his new life. A life that I had hoped to live with him. Without me. A life with a lover and a cat in a house with palm trees in the yard and an ocean a short drive away.
We haven't talked much since then. I'm told this is a good thing. Sometimes I tell myself this too. That the distance allows me to heal. Some days I believe it. Sometimes it seems like I'm doing better. Like I can think clearer and breathe more freely than I have in months. But sometimes it hurts so much I can't breathe at all. When I think about it I feel like I'm suffocating. I ache for him. For our marriage. For our family. My arms long to hold him. My heart breaks for him and all that's been lost.
I try to move on. I don't know how. I try to accept it all. I don't know how. Sometimes I try to think mean things to get over it...if you know me at all you know this is a short-lived and futile attempt. I always find the silver lining. I always find the good in people. And I can't help but be nice. No matter how much I want to hate I just can't. It makes me so mad, but I'm thankful that God gave me that quality, I don't know that I could get through this without it.
I'm going to be okay. Reading back over this post I realize that may seem questionable, but I will be. I have amazing people around me that love me and that I love to spend time with. When I'm with them the burden on my heart and my mind is lifted, if only for a little while. I have an incredible, little boy that deserves to have a mother that is a complete person, not a shell of who she once was or could have been. I have a God that is bigger than all of this mess. A God who loves me and has a plan for me. A God who knows where I'm going even when I don't. A God who may look back and treasure this time in my life because it was a time when He got to hold me close and carry me through the storm.
I had no idea where I was going when I started this post. I'm glad I ended up where I did. When none of this makes sense and I hurt and I want nothing more than to be angry or numb I always seem to find my way back to Him. That's where my healing is. That's where my very life is. I can't live it without Him.
This video is one that impacted me a long time ago. It's been brought back to me several times through this journey and it's poignant every time. Watch it. You might just love it.
Thanks for letting me pour out my heart.