There are times that I don't know what to feel...I don't know what to do. I mean, what do you do when the person you love more than anyone in the world stops loving you? What do you do when that person not only stops loving you but starts hating you with a vehemence you didn't know was possible? I am not one who deals well with being disliked, let alone hated, let alone by someone that I love so much.
There are times that I feel tentatively okay. I give my hurt, my anger, my fear, my jealousy to God and I have a little bit of peace...and then I feel guilty...like I'm not supposed to be okay...my marriage is ending. I'm starting to realize that it's not that I'm okay with my marriage ending, I'm very much NOT okay with that, in fact it is devastating and I feel crushed by it...often, but I'm beginning to find a little bit of peace and refuge in the midst (I like that word) of a storm...and that's okay.
There are times that I feel alone...and like I always will be. These are the times that I fall into a complete pity-party. Times when I'm home alone at night and I'm lonely. I miss companionship, I miss love, I miss cuddling, I miss my best friend. These times are usually quickly amended. I have so many amazing friends and wonderful family. I ran into one of these times last weekend. I didn't have Riley last weekend and I hadn't made any plans. Friday rolled around and I was planning on just having a weekend all by myself. I was going to go hiking, lay around and watch TV and generally just feel sorry for myself. I got a call on Friday from my lovely friend, Andrea, asking me what I was doing on Friday night and inviting me to a movie on Saturday. My sister, Missy, called to see if I wanted to hang out on Saturday or Sunday. And, another wonderful friend, Kristen, wanted to see if I could go to dinner Saturday night with an old friend who was in town. I ended up having a nicely full, but not too busy weekend. I had some time by myself to be alone, to reflect on some things, to cry a little, but then I also got to surround myself with friends and family. I know I've said it over and over, but I'm so thankful for this web of love and support that God has placed into my life.
There are times that I question why God has me here right now. It's hard. It hurts. It's scary. But I know that ultimately He is in control. My church is doing a series on the Book of Ruth (if you haven't read it you should. It's in the Bible and it's really short, only 4 chapters.). It's a series called "Beautiful Things" and it's about how God takes things that look like a big mess and turns them into something beautiful. I believe that's what He is doing in my life right now. I just want Him to turn me into what He wants me to be. I want Him to take my life and do with it whatever He wants. I just want my story to bring Him glory. And I think it will.
So, there's a little of what I've been feeling lately...the good and the bad. Hopefully I'll find something light and fluffy to write about soon ;)
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