Dear Monday

Today I'm linking up with The Happy Day Blog for Dear Monday.

Dear Monday,
It was a bit of a rocky weekend, please be nice today.

Dear Father's Day,
You were unexpectedly a really hard day. Next time can a girl get a little warning?

Dear Heart,
He doesn't love you, he loves someone else. Please stop freaking out every time you are reminded of this fact. Let it go. It's going to be okay.

Dear Gym,
It's been awhile, but tonight we will meet again.

Dear Dojo,
I'm going to cheat on you with the gym.

Dear Friends,
I love you all and don't know what I would do without you :)

Dear Me,
You're pretty awesome. I know things are hard right now, but it is going to get better. Life is going to be beautiful, you'll see. Just hang in there.

Your turn. Go ahead, tell Monday what you think of it.

Why?

Why? That word has been my nemesis lately.

Being a parent, I hear the word why? a lot. At first it was "Why is that bird sitting on that tree branch?" "Why do we have a red car?" "Why did this booger come out of my nose?" These why's were cute but hard to answer and I hoped that it was only a phase.

These days the why's are filled with the attitude of a mini-teenager and I shudder to think that he is only 8 years old. "Riley, go get in the car." "Why?" "Riley, turn off the tv." "Why?" "No, Riley, you can not go play at your friend's house." "Why?" There it is after every direction, after every answer to a request...why? I find myself using the answer that I never thought I would: "Because I said so." I really don't like that answer, but I also don't feel the need to explain myself to my 8-year-old son at every turn.

Sometimes the why's lose their attitude and I'm left looking at a broken-hearted, little boy with the same questions that I have. "Why did you and Daddy get divorced?" "Why did Daddy move to Florida before we did?" "Why are we not a family anymore?" I have no answers. I muddle through the best I can and I hope that I'm not screwing him up too badly, but there's no explanation that is sufficient. Why? Because I have the same questions.

I find myself going to my heavenly Father with all of my why's "Why did my marriage have to end?" "Why did it have to end the way it did?" "Why did he find someone to take my place?" "Why can't I stop loving him?" "Why can't I be in Florida right now?" "Why does it hurt so much?" I don't have the answers...but I do. Proverbs 3:5-6; Isaiah 40:31; James 1:2-5; 2 Corinthians 12:9; 2 Corinthians 5:17; Jeremiah 29:11....I could go on and on. I may not know the exact reasons. I may not know what the plan looks like. I may not know how the story ends...heck, I don't even know how the next chapter begins. I don't need to know. I know that God loves me with an unfailing love and that He works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I know that I can endure it all "because He said so."

I have no doubt that my days of hearing (and asking) why are far from over. In fact, I'm sure they are only going to get tougher "Why does the Pythagorean Theorem work every time?" "Why does E=MC^2?" "Why does God allow bad things to happen?" I know that I won't always have the answers, but hopefully I can raise a son that knows who to turn to when life doesn't make sense and you just want to ask "Why?"

Breaking the Silence

My blog has been oddly silent lately. I haven't really known what to say. I haven't blogged since Terry left. I think that maybe I have too much going on inside and even though I know I need to get it out I just don't know how. I think it's time to break the silence as ugly as it may be.

The first couple of days after he was gone I picked a fight with him. That's what I did when I missed him. I didn't realize it at the time, but picking a fight made him mad. It made him fight with me. It made me have his undivided attention. It made me feel awful, but it fed my soul. It made me miss him less. I'm not saying that all of our fights were my fault, or that I started them all, but there were definitely times that I did. Anyway, I picked a fight, but he didn't play. There was a fight, but it was short. He didn't respond when I tried to talk to him. He was gone. In his new life. A life that I had hoped to live with him. Without me. A life with a lover and a cat in a house with palm trees in the yard and an ocean a short drive away.

We haven't talked much since then. I'm told this is a good thing. Sometimes I tell myself this too. That the distance allows me to heal. Some days I believe it. Sometimes it seems like I'm doing better. Like I can think clearer and breathe more freely than I have in months. But sometimes it hurts so much I can't breathe at all. When I think about it I feel like I'm suffocating. I ache for him. For our marriage. For our family. My arms long to hold him. My heart breaks for him and all that's been lost.

I try to move on. I don't know how. I try to accept it all. I don't know how. Sometimes I try to think mean things to get over it...if you know me at all you know this is a short-lived and futile attempt. I always find the silver lining. I always find the good in people. And I can't help but be nice. No matter how much I want to hate I just can't. It makes me so mad, but I'm thankful that God gave me that quality, I don't know that I could get through this without it.

I'm going to be okay. Reading back over this post I realize that may seem questionable, but I will be. I have amazing people around me that love me and that I love to spend time with. When I'm with them the burden on my heart and my mind is lifted, if only for a little while. I have an incredible, little boy that deserves to have a mother that is a complete person, not a shell of who she once was or could have been. I have a God that is bigger than all of this mess. A God who loves me and has a plan for me. A God who knows where I'm going even when I don't. A God who may look back and treasure this time in my life because it was a time when He got to hold me close and carry me through the storm.

I had no idea where I was going when I started this post. I'm glad I ended up where I did. When none of this makes sense and I hurt and I want nothing more than to be angry or numb I always seem to find my way back to Him. That's where my healing is. That's where my very life is. I can't live it without Him.

This video is one that impacted me a long time ago. It's been brought back to me several times through this journey and it's poignant every time. Watch it. You might just love it.


Thanks for letting me pour out my heart.