Writer's Block

I've had a little bit of writer's block lately. I'll open up a new blog start to type a little and then just get stuck. I guess I just haven't known what I want to say, what I want to share. I'm having a hard time lately...interspersed with some okay times. It's weird.

There are times that I don't know what to feel...I don't know what to do. I mean, what do you do when the person you love more than anyone in the world stops loving you? What do you do when that person not only stops loving you but starts hating you with a vehemence you didn't know was possible? I am not one who deals well with being disliked, let alone hated, let alone by someone that I love so much.

There are times that I feel tentatively okay. I give my hurt, my anger, my fear, my jealousy to God and I have a little bit of peace...and then I feel guilty...like I'm not supposed to be okay...my marriage is ending. I'm starting to realize that it's not that I'm okay with my marriage ending, I'm very much NOT okay with that, in fact it is devastating and I feel crushed by it...often, but I'm beginning to find a little bit of peace and refuge in the midst (I like that word) of a storm...and that's okay.

There are times that I feel alone...and like I always will be. These are the times that I fall into a complete pity-party. Times when I'm home alone at night and I'm lonely. I miss companionship, I miss love, I miss cuddling, I miss my best friend. These times are usually quickly amended. I have so many amazing friends and wonderful family. I ran into one of these times last weekend. I didn't have Riley last weekend and I hadn't made any plans. Friday rolled around and I was planning on just having a weekend all by myself. I was going to go hiking, lay around and watch TV and generally just feel sorry for myself. I got a call on Friday from my lovely friend, Andrea, asking me what I was doing on Friday night and inviting me to a movie on Saturday. My sister, Missy, called to see if I wanted to hang out on Saturday or Sunday. And, another wonderful friend, Kristen, wanted to see if I could go to dinner Saturday night with an old friend who was in town. I ended up having a nicely full, but not too busy weekend. I had some time by myself to be alone, to reflect on some things, to cry a little, but then I also got to surround myself with friends and family. I know I've said it over and over, but I'm so thankful for this web of love and support that God has placed into my life.

There are times that I question why God has me here right now. It's hard. It hurts. It's scary. But I know that ultimately He is in control. My church is doing a series on the Book of Ruth (if you haven't read it you should. It's in the Bible and it's really short, only 4 chapters.). It's a series called "Beautiful Things" and it's about how God takes things that look like a big mess and turns them into something beautiful. I believe that's what He is doing in my life right now. I just want Him to turn me into what He wants me to be. I want Him to take my life and do with it whatever He wants. I just want my story to bring Him glory. And I think it will.

So, there's a little of what I've been feeling lately...the good and the bad. Hopefully I'll find something light and fluffy to write about soon ;)

Old Habits

Okay, So last year I worked really, really hard and lost 49 pounds (that stupid 50th pound alluded me!). Then the holidays hit and I was up about 5 pounds or so and then I learned that I could eat pretty much how I wanted to and exercise minimally and stay where I was, fluctuating between 49 and 45 pounds lost. I became really comfortable with that. I knew that I wanted to lose more weight, but where I was was easy. It took no effort. It was comfortable. Well, as life has continued to change and become more and more uncertain and more and more painful I began to fall into the old habit of turning to food for comfort. Food doesn't ever let you down. Food is always there. Food makes me happy. Holy emotional eater!!! I stopped stepping on the scale because I was scared of what I was going to see. I finally did yesterday. It's not as bad as I thought it would be, but that number has started to creep back up and I'm hovering around 41 pounds lost. It's still not "that bad," but I worked hard for those 8 pounds that I just added back on to my body and now I have to work hard to take them back off! I'm ready though. I'm ready to count my calories, to hit the gym, to take off those 8 pounds and so much more. I'm ready to reach for my goals. Why? Because I'm worth it. Because I deserve to be happy with my body and to feel good about the way that I look. I don't have some massive workout plan that I'm going to follow and stick with and feel like crap if I miss a workout. I'm just going to eat a little less and move a little more. I may join karate again. Maybe I'll start going to classes at the gym. I have a resolution to reach my goal weight by my 30th birthday which would mean losing 44 pounds in the next 145 days. That's a tall order. But, if I don't get there by my birthday I don't get there by my birthday. I just want to keep going the right direction. I don't want to stay the same. I don't want to be comfortable. Comfortable is what got me fat and unhappy in the first place! So, I started yesterday. I walked 3 1/2 miles and spent 2 hours at the gym sweatin' it up.

According to my FitBit I had over 30,000 steps which was equal to over 18 miles! That's a good start! Every day won't be like that, but yesterday was a good one. I don't want to turn to food for comfort anymore. I want to exercise or call a friend or do something productive instead. Small changes. Creating new habits to replace the old. I'll get there.

Protect your Boat

Running from God, disobeying, not fulfilling your call...sound like anyone you know? Well, I'm specifically talking about Jonah. My lovely friend, Andrea, told me about a sermon she heard when she was a teenager about Jonah. I thought about the things that she told me and I went back and re-read the first chapter of Jonah and learned so much. Jonah deliberately disobeyed the call of God on his life. God said go this way and he went the opposite way. When Jonah boarded the ship to Tarshish God sent a great storm. Now, something that never struck me until I talked with Andrea and re-read it for myself was that Jonah, by disobeying God, put not only his life at risk but he also risked the lives of all the other people on that boat. When we allow people into our lives (on our boat if you will) who are disobeying God we put our lives at risk. Now, something else I realized in this chapter is this: at the end of the chapter the sailors threw Jonah into the sea and the storm stopped. They were awestruck by God's power and began to serve God. Sometimes when we remove the people from our lives who are disobeying God we are able to see His power calm the storms in our lives.

Just something to think about :)