3rd Grade!

They just never stop growing, do they? My baby started 3rd grade today! One should never turn 30 and have a child start 3rd grade in the same week--man do I feel old! I'm so proud of Riley. He's growing up so much! We had a great prayer time this morning, took our first day of school pictures, and I sent him off to school. I think he's going to have a great year!


First Day of 3rd Grade!

Let's see how much he's grown over the years, shall we?


First day of Preschool


First day of Kindergarten


First day of 1st Grade


First day of 2nd Grade


First day of 3rd Grade

He's so tall these days! He loves his new backpack this year. I miss the cartoon backpacks sometimes, it seems like he grew out of those so fast!

Have fun in 3rd Grade, Riley! Go get 'em!

Thoughts about 30

Today is a big day. I turn 30 today. This is a day I have been both excited about and dreading for a while now. When I was going through my divorce earlier this year I was so sad at the thought of turning 30 and being alone single. As my divorce got messier I couldn't wait to turn 30 and leave my ex-husband my past my 20's behind me. Now that this day is here I can't figure out how I feel about it.

I spent Friday and Saturday nights out with a good friend celebrating both our birthdays (but really just hanging out, catching up, and being silly).

It was a really nice breath of fresh air. We met new people, laughed ourselves silly, and did a lot of people watching. It was a great weekend.

I <3 this picture

So, I feel like 30 years is a long time to have lived. All the people that are older than me assure me that I'm not old and have a long way to go until I am...I love that thought! Here are some lessons that I have learned in my last 30 years

1. SHARE!



When I was little I learned to share my things. As I grew older I learned that while sharing toys is wonderful, there are more important things that need to be shared. Share your time. Share your thoughts and your feelings. Share a hug. Share a smile. Share a compliment. Share the credit. Share your heart. Share your life. Opening yourself up and sharing might make you vulnerable. It might make getting hurt a little easier, but it also keeps you soft, it keeps you open, it keeps you connected.

2. Don't Give Up!



When I was in high school I was a cheerleader. We were good...really good. My sophomore year we were preparing for a string of competitions coming up. One of the integral members of our squad broke her collarbone. We reworked our routine and the week before competition another integral member of our squad broke her hand. We reworked the routine again and someone else got hurt. The morning of the competition we showed up at school to get ready to go and someone else was hurt. It was 3 hours before we were to compete and we were down to 9 squad members. It was so tempting to just quit. What could we possibly do? We reworked the routine again and decided to try anyway. Minutes before we were to go on we were practicing and every stunt was falling and we were having trouble keeping it together through all the changes. Our coaches left us with a pep talk and a smile and left backstage sure that it was going to be a disaster. Well, we went out there and competed. We came in 3rd...our rag-tag little bunch. It was a good day. Throughout life I've learned that you have to keep trying. It is inevitable that you will fail, sometimes success doesn't look the way you want it to, and a lot of times it seems like it may have been a waste to try so hard...but it's not. Whether it's weight loss, marriage, career, children, sports, whatever it is that you want...don't give up!

3. Surround yourself with people who can make you smile!



I don't know who these girls are, but I love this picture. I have been so blessed in my life to have girl friends that would totally do something like this!
I love to smile. I love to laugh. I think that it is so important to have people in your life that inspire you to do both. Having friends that you can laugh with and cry with is a very important piece of life!

4. Be true to who you are!



I spent a lot of time in my life trying to be who someone else wanted me to be. I've tried to impress people. I've tried to please people. I've tried to fit in. I've tried to contort myself into other's molds of who and what I should be. I don't do that anymore. Just because you like dirt bikes doesn't mean I have to for us to get along. Just because I like showtunes doesn't mean that you have to for us to get along. This was a hard concept for me to get, but I have it now. Our uniqueness is what makes this world such a beautiful place (I know, I know, I sound like an afterschool special). Just be yourself and never, never let anyone make you feel bad for being you!



5. Be spontaneous and try new things!

You can spend your whole life carefully planning every move. You can analyze a decision forever. Sometimes you just have to take a risk and do something spontaneous and out of the ordinary. Recently I got bored on a Friday night and cut myself some bangs. I haven't had bangs since high school. Once I got a haircut and they gave me bangs when I didn't want them and they looked awful. Ever since then I have been very careful to explicitly tell hairdressers that I did NOT want bangs. Later on I got married and my husband did not like bangs, short hair, or black hair, so those were the rules that I told my hairdresser she had to follow...anything else was fair game. So, what got into me on this random Friday night? I have no idea, but the thought popped in my head so I watched some YouTube videos on how to do it and I took the plunge and cut them. I'm so glad I did! It totally changed up my look and I have gotten so many compliments on them! It was exactly what I needed! I realize that this is a story about hair, and let's face it, hair isn't going to change your life, but taking a little risk and having a spontaneous moment without talking myself out of it was so refreshing!



6. It could always be worse!

I've gone through some tough stuff in my life. Don't get me wrong, life has been mostly good and I am very blessed, however, there have been some rough times in my life. One thing I've learned is that things could always be worse. I'm too thankful for the positive things that have filled my last 30 years to dwell on the negative pieces. Those negative pieces have shaped me into who I am just as much as those positive ones have. So, when things get bad just think...it could always be worse. Apparently my mom thinks so too!




My last 30 years were filled with joy, sorrow, pain, laughter, love, tears, heartache, fun, friendship, failures, sunshine, shadows...they have been filled with life! I know that I have so far to go and so much life left to live, and I'm looking forward to seeing what my 30s hold for me!

Here's to 30! Let the adventure begin continue!

Midweek Confessions

It's that time again!



It's been a while since I've done Midweek Confessions and I miss it!

*I bake when I'm bored, or when I'm upset, or when I'm happy...okay, I bake all the time! I made these babies on Monday and brought them to work and was told I was Satan...twice! That means they were really good!


*I get to go school supply shopping this weekend! I love school supplies. The smell of new crayons, the crisp, fresh notebooks, the smooth, bright yellow pencils. I may or may not begrudge the fact that I don't get to use said supplies and Riley gets them instead.



*When my ex-husband and I first separated and the chances of our marriage making it were dismal I began to dread the thought of dating. Small talk, bad personalities, baggage...ick. However, a few weeks ago I realized that I'm not hung-up on my ex-husband anymore (that happened when I wasn't looking). I also realized that I missed testosterone in my life. I just wanted to talk about football and video games for a little while! So, I put myself out there and went on some dates! You know what I realized? I'm kind of awesome. I'm smart and funny, I'm not bad to look at, and I'm (surprisingly) good at small talk and first dates...who knew? Dating is fun!



*I got an email this morning that made me really really happy. Did I win a sweepstakes? No. Did I hear from an old friend? No. Did I get a promotion? No. The email I got was an invite for my Fantasy Football league! I was so excited! This means that it's almost football season!!! I will leave you with my Fantasy Sports profile. If you look on the right-hand side you will see a trophy. "What's that trophy for?" you may ask...League Champ...I heart Fantasy Football!

Living

So, once again I've been on a bit of a blogging hiatus. But, here I am. I have people ask me all the time "How are you?" Granted, this is a pretty common question in general, but I feel that, in my case, it's often a loaded question. People know what I've been through. They know what I've been dealing with for the past 10 months (has it really been that long?!). Most of the time my answer is "Good! :)" because when I'm around people that is generally how I am doing. But lately I feel like I am just surviving. I'm getting through life, but I'm not really living it.

I know why. I'm not living life because I don't want to face life. I've had some major decisions hanging over my head...decisions that I have to make very soon, decisions that I don't want to make. I have some things that I have to sort out, things I have to figure out how to do on my own. I've started dating a little so I've had to figure out how that works. It's hard!

I had a life that I was comfortable in. A life that I knew how to live. I knew what I was doing. I knew where I was going. It was, for the most part, under control...or so I thought. But, looking back I realize that I was just surviving in that life too. It was familiar so it wasn't scary like this stage is, but it still wasn't living.

At church on Sunday the sermon was on "The Good Life." It was about what is a good life...basically it's a life surrendered to God. Doing what He wants you to do rather than just what you want. It was a timely message and one that I needed to hear.

I turn 30 next week and I want to be able to put the past behind me and start a new decade of living!

Dear Monday

Today I'm linking up with The Happy Day Blog for Dear Monday.

Dear Monday,
It was a bit of a rocky weekend, please be nice today.

Dear Father's Day,
You were unexpectedly a really hard day. Next time can a girl get a little warning?

Dear Heart,
He doesn't love you, he loves someone else. Please stop freaking out every time you are reminded of this fact. Let it go. It's going to be okay.

Dear Gym,
It's been awhile, but tonight we will meet again.

Dear Dojo,
I'm going to cheat on you with the gym.

Dear Friends,
I love you all and don't know what I would do without you :)

Dear Me,
You're pretty awesome. I know things are hard right now, but it is going to get better. Life is going to be beautiful, you'll see. Just hang in there.

Your turn. Go ahead, tell Monday what you think of it.

Why?

Why? That word has been my nemesis lately.

Being a parent, I hear the word why? a lot. At first it was "Why is that bird sitting on that tree branch?" "Why do we have a red car?" "Why did this booger come out of my nose?" These why's were cute but hard to answer and I hoped that it was only a phase.

These days the why's are filled with the attitude of a mini-teenager and I shudder to think that he is only 8 years old. "Riley, go get in the car." "Why?" "Riley, turn off the tv." "Why?" "No, Riley, you can not go play at your friend's house." "Why?" There it is after every direction, after every answer to a request...why? I find myself using the answer that I never thought I would: "Because I said so." I really don't like that answer, but I also don't feel the need to explain myself to my 8-year-old son at every turn.

Sometimes the why's lose their attitude and I'm left looking at a broken-hearted, little boy with the same questions that I have. "Why did you and Daddy get divorced?" "Why did Daddy move to Florida before we did?" "Why are we not a family anymore?" I have no answers. I muddle through the best I can and I hope that I'm not screwing him up too badly, but there's no explanation that is sufficient. Why? Because I have the same questions.

I find myself going to my heavenly Father with all of my why's "Why did my marriage have to end?" "Why did it have to end the way it did?" "Why did he find someone to take my place?" "Why can't I stop loving him?" "Why can't I be in Florida right now?" "Why does it hurt so much?" I don't have the answers...but I do. Proverbs 3:5-6; Isaiah 40:31; James 1:2-5; 2 Corinthians 12:9; 2 Corinthians 5:17; Jeremiah 29:11....I could go on and on. I may not know the exact reasons. I may not know what the plan looks like. I may not know how the story ends...heck, I don't even know how the next chapter begins. I don't need to know. I know that God loves me with an unfailing love and that He works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I know that I can endure it all "because He said so."

I have no doubt that my days of hearing (and asking) why are far from over. In fact, I'm sure they are only going to get tougher "Why does the Pythagorean Theorem work every time?" "Why does E=MC^2?" "Why does God allow bad things to happen?" I know that I won't always have the answers, but hopefully I can raise a son that knows who to turn to when life doesn't make sense and you just want to ask "Why?"

Breaking the Silence

My blog has been oddly silent lately. I haven't really known what to say. I haven't blogged since Terry left. I think that maybe I have too much going on inside and even though I know I need to get it out I just don't know how. I think it's time to break the silence as ugly as it may be.

The first couple of days after he was gone I picked a fight with him. That's what I did when I missed him. I didn't realize it at the time, but picking a fight made him mad. It made him fight with me. It made me have his undivided attention. It made me feel awful, but it fed my soul. It made me miss him less. I'm not saying that all of our fights were my fault, or that I started them all, but there were definitely times that I did. Anyway, I picked a fight, but he didn't play. There was a fight, but it was short. He didn't respond when I tried to talk to him. He was gone. In his new life. A life that I had hoped to live with him. Without me. A life with a lover and a cat in a house with palm trees in the yard and an ocean a short drive away.

We haven't talked much since then. I'm told this is a good thing. Sometimes I tell myself this too. That the distance allows me to heal. Some days I believe it. Sometimes it seems like I'm doing better. Like I can think clearer and breathe more freely than I have in months. But sometimes it hurts so much I can't breathe at all. When I think about it I feel like I'm suffocating. I ache for him. For our marriage. For our family. My arms long to hold him. My heart breaks for him and all that's been lost.

I try to move on. I don't know how. I try to accept it all. I don't know how. Sometimes I try to think mean things to get over it...if you know me at all you know this is a short-lived and futile attempt. I always find the silver lining. I always find the good in people. And I can't help but be nice. No matter how much I want to hate I just can't. It makes me so mad, but I'm thankful that God gave me that quality, I don't know that I could get through this without it.

I'm going to be okay. Reading back over this post I realize that may seem questionable, but I will be. I have amazing people around me that love me and that I love to spend time with. When I'm with them the burden on my heart and my mind is lifted, if only for a little while. I have an incredible, little boy that deserves to have a mother that is a complete person, not a shell of who she once was or could have been. I have a God that is bigger than all of this mess. A God who loves me and has a plan for me. A God who knows where I'm going even when I don't. A God who may look back and treasure this time in my life because it was a time when He got to hold me close and carry me through the storm.

I had no idea where I was going when I started this post. I'm glad I ended up where I did. When none of this makes sense and I hurt and I want nothing more than to be angry or numb I always seem to find my way back to Him. That's where my healing is. That's where my very life is. I can't live it without Him.

This video is one that impacted me a long time ago. It's been brought back to me several times through this journey and it's poignant every time. Watch it. You might just love it.


Thanks for letting me pour out my heart.